Please forgive me

I hate myself. I wanna be a different person. I would so much like to be the person that everyone wants me to be, but I can’t.  The harder I try to change, the harder I fall down. I always hurt the people that I keep in my heart the most, and I always, always…. regret it. I’m trying to change…. I must change.

There are times when I manage to control myself from doing and from making the bad choices, but sooner, or later, the old me comes back. The old me, or maybe…. the actual me.

I’m not the person who asks for forgiveness after he did something bad, I rather deal with the consequences. I think that’s my way of punishing myself for the bad I caused:  forcing myself to feel bad. A simple three words letter is not enough. Words can’t fix the bad I did, and surely “I am sorry” can’t make up for it. But maybe, just maybe…. it’s a start. I need to learn how to apologize, maybe this way people would appreciate it more.

How much I would like to thank the people that I love for being so, so patient. Instead of doing that, I continue hurting them. It takes couradge telling someone face to face what’s on your heart. Maybe I don’t have that. I never had that. I never told anyone how I actually felt, how much I love them, and how important they are. Sometimes I wish I could of been more open hearted, and more of the person that they…. think I am.

Then there are times when I don’t wanna be forgiven. I shouldn’t, I mustn’t, I can’t be forgiven. They say you learn from your mistakes, but when you keep on making the same mistakes over and over again, then…. you must be punished.

I will keep on trying. Maybe some day I will learn how not to make the same mistakes over and over again. Until that day comes I wanna tell you… I am sorry.

I am sorry for not being the person you think I am. I am sorry for all the pain I’ve ever caused you. I am sorry for the times when I was angry, when actually you were right.

So, as the title says…. please forgive me.

Fear of death

That is a scary word. For some, it’s the most scariest word in English.  I never gave it thought since a while ago. Now it’s in my head and I can’t get rid of it.  Every day, at least once I think about death, and dying.

I used to fear death a lot. To be honest dying was my main fear. When I used to be religious I would consider myself a bad person(I still consider myself a bad person), and I would picture myself in hell. It’s weird, but the thing that would comfort me in that moment, is that even in hell…. I won’t be alone. I won’t be the only one who will suffer. It’s probably crazy but it’s true.

Since I lost my believe in God, I don’t fear death anymore. Maybe it’s because hell and heaven are more related to religion, and maybe because I got used to the idea that one day, maybe one of these days…. I will die.

Do you fear death?

10 random things about me

Here are some things that people don’t know about me.

I like to eat junk food.

I’m lazier than the average lazy person.

I’m romantic.

I’m constantly thinking about death.

I suffer from arachnophobia.

I consider myself inferior from the rest of the society.

I never forgive a lie.

I’m scared of the dentist.

I stoled a candy bar when I was a kid, and I was caught.

I consider myself a bad person.

Drinking problem

I’ve been drinking a lot lately. That helps. Sometimes. It helps me to sleep when at night, I can’t close my eyes. I know I shouldn’t drink this much, and I’m not an addict. I never actually liked drinking or smoking, it’s stupid. I do it so that I can feel better.

Sometimes you think you can find comfort in alcohol. Bad, bad decision. There’s no comfort in alcohol, only emptiness and sadness. Besides affection your brain, it affects your internal organs, and it creates dependency. Just like smoking. Alcohol is progressive. I mean that if today, tomorrow, this week, this month, you’re drinking a quantity, the next day,week,month you need more. And more is definitely not good. But sometimes, you have no choice…. right?

You will say that this day will be the last day of drinking, you swear. Then tomorrow comes and you can’t sleep, thoughts are filling up your head, and you start drinking again. There’s nothing else to do…. is it?

Sometimes in life you have to scarify things, in order to archive some good in the future. But what happens when your sacrifice is worthless and you won’t achieve anything? These have a name of their own.

….They’re called delusions.

I will drink less starting from today. It should be easy since I don’t even like drinking this much. I will probably go to my doctor and get some sleeping pills. But sleeping pills won’t make me feel better, it will just pause it until I wake up.

I will try to bring back my old habits and hobbies. I had so many projects, plans, and things I wanted to learn. Yes, starting from today I will try…. to change.

The morning after

This morning has been quiet. I woke up late, had a shower and looked outside my window. The sun was up in the sky, it felt like spring  is coming. It’s one of these days that you should wake up with a smile on your face. It seemed like the perfect day. But not for me.

I made breakfast for me and my mom. We had egg omelette’s with bacon and toasted bread. Afterwards I went to pick up the book I’m reading, and started my lecture.  After reading a few pages I felt sleepy again. I have that feeling lately, always sleepy. I think I should get in bed and satisfy “my needs”. What’s the point of staying awake after all ?

This is just an ordinary day….

How I lost my believe in God

It happened a few weeks ago. Things weren’t changing(aren’t changing) and I was upset. More than upset I was furious that day. Why did I trust myself in God all these years? Every time I felt lonely I would find comfort in Him. I used to pray and hope that things might change. By then, I couldn’t imagine my life without God, and I remember that I used to think on how people are so ignorant that they don’t believe He exists. I could even feel him(metaphorically speaking) close to me every day. Sometimes I would of open the bible, and read (my favorite part used to be the apocalypse). I used to be so full of hope in God, and I told myself that maybe He’s the actual reason I still wanna breath and wake up in the mornings. You could say that I was pretty religious, and full of hope. When I used to talked to myself(to God) at nights, I believed that one day he would help me.  I believed…. But that day never came.

Then it started. I got upset, so upset that I asked myself why is this happening. Am I not praying enough ? Am I hoping too much ? Am I believing in something that maybe…. doesn’t exist ?

A rage, an anger grabbed my soul and body and from that moment I knew I wasn’t ever gonna be that person again. I grabbed all my religious books, and the necklace with Jesus Christ that I had around my neck and threw them in a drawer. From that day on, I stopped believing. I felt an emptiness and loneliness back then, that I never felt before. It’s like when you loose someone that you love so much, and you won’t ever gonna get back.

You know the saying “Life’s full of surprises” and sometimes, almost every time, they’re not good surprises. Maybe some day when I will forgive myself, maybe then I will go back to Him. But until that day comes(if it will ever come)…. I’m all alone.

Loneliness

There are times when you feel lonely. I’m lonely in my life, I know that, but when the feeling reaches my body I feel like the world just ended. Loneliness is not a disease, but it can turn out to be just as bad. Believe me when I tell you. Sometimes you don’t wanna wake up in the morning, knowing this will be no special day, and that it will turn out to be like the rest of your days. You tell yourself that it’s you who has to change, you try to change but…. things don’t change. Then you realize there is nothing left to do besides waiting.

Maybe one of these days you’ll say. Maybe one of these days….

Sometimes the anger takes control of your body and makes you do things, or say things that you know you will regret and you know that deep inside your heart you don’t mean. Bad thoughts are filling up in your head and you feel like any minute now, any minute…. you might explode. You know, you just know that is wrong to show your anger and maybe let out the anger on your loved ones, but sometimes you do. When you calm down is when you realize that what you did was so wrong…. so wrong.

Then the sadness comes along. The sadness…. When the anger was present you were excited, active, hyper active, but when the anger is gone and the sadness comes along, then it feels like a weight has been placed on your heart. Everything is meaningless and you can’t even find happiness in things that once…. made you smile. Again all these thoughts are filling up in your head, it feels like everyone else is happier than you.  And what is happiness in the end? You don’t want money, you don’t want a nice car, or you don’t want a house with a pool, you want something that nobody can buy you. Real happiness is not what you can touch or what you can buy with money, instead that, dear reader comes from the heart. Special people can give you this pleasant feeling with no effort. Sometimes even with…. a smile.

Sometimes you wanna cry. And maybe that helps, letting out the pain, the anger, or the unhappiness. But you can’t cry. You’re a man! And… men don’t cry, right?

Can a priest drink alcohol in public?

I was just asking myself this question. Is it fair for a priest to drink alcohol in public? We’re living in 2009, things change pretty fast, but will people judge priests if they drink alcohol in public? Can we accept that or is it just too soon for it? What do you think the church will have to say about this?

What would you say?

Rainy days

We had a lot of snow this year. I like snow. I like snow for many reasons. One of them is because the snow is white. Yes, white. I like white because it’s clean, because I represents purity. I used to stay at the window and look outside how it’s snowing, think for a minute at a better future, dream like everybody else. Or I used to think at the past. So many memories would come into my head, memories from when I was a kid, from when I had no worries, memories from when my dad used to drive me on the slide, from when my sweet mom used to put a lot of presents under the tree and we used to sing for Santa.  Yeah, good old memories…

Now that the snow is gone, it’s been 2 days since it started raining. The temperature is around a few degrees C and the nights are foggy.

The rain doesn’t bother me at all, I like rain. It’s weird but when I feel sadder than usual, and it rains outside, it’s like the nature is sad as well. I stay at the window and look outside how it rains, like an old man with nothing do to in his life anymore, sitting there and waiting for time to pass. I don’t think you’ll find so many people out there that actually like when it’s raining, and honestly I don’t know why I like it. It just has that effect on me, so probably that’s a part of the reason. I like rain(and snow) for as long as I can remember.

You have probably guesses by now that my favorite seasons are winter and autumn. Since you can’t make things stay forever, better enjoy them while they last. Here is a nice poem I got from google, along with a picture.

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can’t do a handstand–
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said–
I’m just not the same since there’s rain in my head.

The next day

The bad dreams seem to haunt me lately. It has been more than a week now. Every night I have these weird dreams, sometimes scary, sometimes less scary, but not pleasant. Some dreams make you feel weird when you wake up in the morning, they make you think about some aspects in your life. Some say dreams have a special significance. I have this book about dreams and what they tend to mean. It’s suppose to tell you all about your dream and what does or better, what will happen to you in the near future. I think it’s a bunch of nonsense. How come if I dream something they know what will actually happen to me in the near future or in that exact day? It seems that things like “guessing” or better, “knowing” what dreams mean are related more to religion. A religious person, or a priest can probably tell you what does your vague dream means, and I bet it’s about something bad you did and that you must change. Or something like that.

Scientists on the other hand have a different view on this. They say it’s actually related to your life and the things you see every day. The things that are maybe too insignificant for you to remember, but you dream them. Yeah, probably. It’s a more plausible  explanation though. Science and religion don’t get along at all, and the more we as human beings  learn about the world, the universe, and the secrets of life, the more we “abandon” God. But this is a different topic, that maybe I’ll open in a different day.

Back to my dreams. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t dream at all, so that I won’t wake up in the morning feeling like sh*t because I’ve dream something beautiful that will probably never happen to me.

And there’s the headache. I’ve been having it for the past few days. But I’m planning to stop it today. I’ll take one painkiller, then another one and if it won’t pass, I’ll take as many as I need to, until I’ll be fine.

Maybe I need to relax more, and not always think about the future. I can’t do that. I need to plan it and I need to carefully choose my path, because once I choose a road, there’s no turning back.